Dear God,

Fifty!  Wow.  I woke with a smile and a cake hangover this morning and lazed around awhile recalling past anniversaries of the day I was born.  I remember the one when I was ten and  Mom made me an angel food cake magically filled with red jello – covered with whipped cream — served to ten giggling friends who stayed up too late playing truth or dare that night.

And then, fifteen years later, the 25th — when a friend said “live it up, the way you’re going, I doubt you’ll make to fifty” and we laughed, lit up smokes and took another shot of tequila..

Another 15 years passed and  I was forty.  The darkest birthday — ten years ago today when I sat in the same room I am sitting in right now, except the blinds were drawn and I didn’t want one more minute on this earth because how, God, could I possibly go on without Bo?  Friends and family called and I did not answer the phone.

Just five short years ago, five months sober — raw and resigned to whatever came next — avoiding a party because I was pretty sure I would never party again.  Ever.   I have to laugh at the tears that are springing to my eyes, God — because HOLY CRAP….  what miracles — what gifts have I been blessed to count since that day?

The continued fervent without bounds love of my husband.

Friends who will call me on my shit.

A renewed love and reconnection with my family.

Eyes that see and ears that hear you in the world — especially in my brothers and sisters who suffer but keep coming back.

A community of people to pray with.

The gift of faith that there is something better for all of us

— and the grace to look back without regret though eyes of resurrection,

the knowledge that whatever I ask for will be given,

and the firm conviction that everything will be fine.

Thanks, God.

Here is what I am asking for today:

Help me stay powerless.


6 thoughts on “Fifty

  1. Happy Birthday, Julie, I am grateful that you share your thoughts and prayers with others, and that you help us to know the blessings we are given.

  2. Happy Birthday!

    I turned 50 back in March and I’m just starting, seriously, my journey to quit. I hope to be as strong as you are when my next birthday comes!

  3. Happy Birthday! and blessings on your journey. and, once again, thanks for the sharing you do here. i continue to find little jewels on a regular basis, and am grateful.

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